


One Egg-citing Mission

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-07 03:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Spoilers: Vague ones for "Ascension", "Prisoners", "Tin Man" and "BriefCandle" but nothing plot-relatedSummary: Wonder how a nice easy mission on Labor Day weekend turns out?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

One Egg-citing Mission

I step through the gate and take in my surroundings, P3X…whatever. Planet number 127. All in all not a bad place. Temperate, nice green, well greenish, ok more like pea green grass, sorta blue gray sky and the requisite trees.

And best of all there’s naquadah in them thar hills. Which is why we’re here. A month ago SG-4 was here and found that oh so elusive of minerals in abundance on this nice planet. And now we’re here to get permission from the locals to take some of their naquadah off of their hands.

Why us and not SG-9 and Major Kovacek our resident negotiator? Well someone in their infinite wisdom decided to tell the locals that Stan wasn’t the highest ranking guy in town so…with me being the only colonel we had handy at the moment guess who gets to give up their plans for the weekend and spend it sucking up? Yep, got it in one.

So here we are, Carter, Daniel, Teal’c and I all traipsing across the universe Labor Day weekend because some diplomat couldn’t lie. Sweet.

I guess if it’s any consolation everyone else had their plans messed up too. Daniel was going to take Teal’c to the Pro Rodeo Hall of Fame then to a real rodeo in town. Given his current fascination with the Wild West I half expect T to show up one day on horseback packing six shooters.

And Carter, well she won’t tell me what she had planned, but I’d swear I saw her in the mall last week with a dress bag from one of those fancy shops. And I KNOW I heard her cursing quite impressively under her breath when I told her how we were spending the weekend. Putting two and two together I’m guessing the major had a date, a hot one if her short temper is anything to go by.

Oh well, can’t win them all.

Of course there is still a chance we can close the negotiations quickly and get home in the morning…I can hope right?

<><><><><>

Well color me bored. Seems all the negotiations are long since over. Stan took care of all that stuff. These folks don’t care if we take their naquadah, as far as they’re concerned if it’s gone then the goa’uld won’t bug them anymore. But there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. See to take the naquadah you have to be a member of their clan. Which is a nice little ceremony that takes three days of feasting and partying. So much for that nice KC strip languishing in my freezer.

You know these are they days when this job just doesn’t pay me enough. At least the food’s good. Barbecued…something. I’ve learned it usually slips down easier when you don’t ask what it is and just pretend it’s a nice grain fed Angus.

<><><><><>

Ok. Remember what I once said about sticking to rations? Why don’t I ever listen to myself? Having the trots is bad enough on earth but off world, it sucks.

I stagger back from my third trip to the bushes in the last thirty minutes. Geez, I’ve never had it this bad before. I mean I’ve spent most of my adult life eating rations or stuff cooked in questionable levels of cleanliness. This stomach is pretty much iron clad. About the only thing that messes up my plumbing are those hot pickled veggies and whenever the cooks in the commissary slip bran into the muffins without warning us. Which is one reason I’ve started eating the bacon and eggs…it’s safer.

I just hope this passes before my watch is over. It’s bad enough to have a dose of intergalactic Montezuma’s revenge but I do not need it witnessed by everyone. Wait the med kit…they pack stuff for this. I’ll pop a few pills and put an end to this dashing to the woods. We’ve got day two of this whole adoption thing to carry out and I can’t be messing my pants or running into the woods every fifteen minutes.

<><><><><>

Damnit. Something’s wrong. I never puke. Never. Not even on those nights when dinner was a fifth of JD. I don’t know what could be causing this. I managed to just eat rations today thinking that would help. I had Daniel spin some tale about it being a religious thing. It should be getting better. But if anything it’s worse. My guts are cramping so hard I can barely sit up straight, of course there’s nothing left in them to foul things up. The first food I’ve had in the last twenty-four hours is now gracing the surface of P3X whatever. One more day…I just have to make it one more day.

<><><><><>

I don’t know what the hell I have. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a golf ball. I’m thinking it’s just because I’m thirsty. I know I have to be getting dehydrated but I’ll be damned if I can keep anything down. I managed a few sips of water but I know it’s not enough. I’m pretty sure Carter and Teal’c haven’t noticed. She’s off with Teal’c doing something. I know they told me but I tuned them out. Hell they’re big kids and don’t need my permission…well ok technically they do but…you get the idea.

Danny knows something’s wrong. He keeps shooting me this ‘you look like shit’ look. And he’s attached himself to me like a freaking limpet. If I wasn’t so sure he was straight I’d be worried.

The damndable thing is, I don’t mind his clinginess. Mainly because right now I feel like death warmed over. A few more hours. I can make it a few more hours, get Carter and Teal’c back here and get home.

<><><><><>

I didn’t make it. One minute we’re sitting in this hut listening to this Kellis guy yammer on, his wife passing me a platter of food that sends my stomach into death spirals. I vaguely hear Daniel make some excuse about a ritual fast or something, I don’t give a damn what excuses he makes as long as I don’t have to eat anything. These folks are nice but spewing their national delicacy in their laps is likely to be considered rude. Unlike a former president of ours, I don’t like to puke on my allies.

I thought I was pulling it off but the next thing I know I’m face down on the floor. God I hate it when that happens.

Oh look; Carter and Teal’c are back, early…I think. Betcha Danny called them. When did that happen?

Whoa big guy…guys. When did there get to be two of you? Put me down. I’ll walk. Oh wait, there’s two Carters too. And a pair of Daniels. When did that happen? I knew I wasn’t getting all my memos. That dammed Harlan had better not be behind this.

“He doesn’t have a fever,” I hear Carter, well one of the Carters say. Sometimes there are two of her, sometimes just one blurry one. How does she do that? “How long has he been sick Daniel?” She asks feeling my forehead. Hey keep your paws to yourself Major.

“Since yesterday but he just thought he ate something.”

Yeah Daniel, rat me out you little…

“I’m fine. Did he eat something that we didn’t? Like back on Argos?”

Yeah, you would bring that one up wouldn’t you? Never gonna let me forget that little indiscretion.

“Didn’t eat…”

“What? Colonel what are you trying to say? Daniel he sounds drunk.”

“No. No way. He hasn’t had anything to drink all day but some water.”

“How much water?”

“Just a sip or two, and it was from our canteen.”

Yeah, I’m on that water diet Danny.

“We should get him home,” I hear Carter, Carters? No there’s just one of her right now, say.

Home. Home is good. Or here. Here works too. I’ll just lie here on this nice planet for a while. Why am I on this planet? Oh yeah, the nac…nack…that shiny crap Carter always wants. Why can’t she go for diamonds like all the other women? Wait, we can’t go. Not until we get the nacky stuff. We ain’t going back empty handed, not when we’re this close.

“NO.”

“No? Colonel, we need to get you home. I have no idea what’s making you sick.”

“Finish the mission.” Geez, is that me? Do I really sound so weak?

“Sir. With all due respect that’s not a good choice. We can come back later. Surely they’ll understand.”

“Aah Sam…I don’t think so. If we leave now it’ll just insult them. They’ll think we’re no better than the goa’uld taking what we want with no respect for them.”

“Daniel look at him. He can’t even sit up. There’s no way in hell he can finish this.”

“Is there not another way Daniel Jackson?” I hear Teal’c ask. That’s it T-man, keep these kids on track.

“I don’t know what it’d be. I mean we were almost done, just one last thing left. But they were very clear. They only want to deal with the highest ranking officer,” Daniel says.

Great. That’s me. Why does it always have to be me? Too bad it isn’t Carter…

“It’s too bad the general can’t…”

“Daniel Jackson, did you ever explain the…”

Wait a minute. Why can’t it be Carter?

“Of course. If they don’t know…”

“You plan a subterfuge Daniel Jackson.”

“Why am I NOT going to like what you two are thinking of?” I hear Carter ask in that tone of hers. It’s the same one Sara used when she just knew she wasn’t going to like what I had to say. For once I’m glad I’m sick and it wasn’t my idea. I’d have to argue with her, then pull rank and tick her off.

Daniel will just hit her with his puppy dog eyes. He’s got the good major wrapped around his finger. I wonder if she realizes it or if she’s still under the impression that she’s in charge?

<><><><><>

“You do not seem well O’Neill,” Teal’c says as he kneels beside me. I’m tucked all nice and neat into the hut we’ve been given for our stay. Which I’m glad for because right now I’m so dizzy I couldn’t stand if you paid me to. What in the hell is this? I’ve been around the world a time or three and I’ve caught my share of exotic bugs. But nothing like this.

I’m lying here all curled up on my side with the occasional dry heave racking my muscles even harder. God my guts hurt, hell all of me hurts. You guys carry on with the mission and I’ll just curl up here and die. The possibility does hit me. I could, die that is. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of it. Hell if I want to be honest I think about it every time we cross that event horizon. But somewhere in the back of my mind I’d always pictured a grand battle or at least falling in a skirmish not curled up and miserable on some backwater planet knocked on my ass by some microbe.

“O’Neill?” he asks again, laying a hand on my shoulder. Yeah I’m still here big guy. Sorta, kinda. Wake me when it’s over. At least I won’t die alone. That’s something.

<><><><><>

“Teal’c. How is he doing?”

I feel a hand on my forehead. Why do they always do that? Am I the local fat Buddha, rub my forehead and you’ll have good luck?

“He is no better Major Carter.”

I hear her sigh as she moves her hand to check my pulse. I’m pretty sure I still have one. At least I think so.

“I was afraid of that. Can you help Daniel? He’s looking for something to make a stretcher out of. There’s no way the colonel is going to make it back to the gate.” I hear Teal’c leave. “What have you gotten yourself into now, colonel?” She asks as I hear water sloshing. Then there’s this coolness on my face. Oh yes. We’re doing the ‘let’s wash his face thing’. Geez, do I look that bad? “You just hang on sir. Just a few more hours. We’ll get a stretcher built and get you home. Whatever this is Janet can fix it. Just a few more hours colonel. You can do that. I know you can do that.”

I hear the fear in her voice. Crap, she’s scared. This isn’t good. Carter doesn’t scare easily.

<><><><><>

“Easy guys.” I hear as the world lurches. Huh? What’d I miss? Who told you guys to do stuff without me? I’m still the boss here…aren’t I?

Another lurch and I’m floating. Whoa. What the hell? Somebody tell me what’s going on because I seem to have lost my script.

I force my eyes open and slam them shut again as the world spins. What is this...the carnival ride from hell? I fling my arm out blindly, at least I try to. In reality it just flops off the edge. Someone picks my arm up and lays it back across my chest. “Colonel it’s ok. We’re on out way back to the gate. You just relax and enjoy the ride ok?”

A ride. Sure…but this is not an E ticket ride. I should ask for a refund. Money back if you’re not completely alive guarantee.

<><><><><>

The world jerks and spins. God. When did it get so loud? I want to bury my head in my hands, and I would if I could move my arms.

“SG-1. What happened?” Hammond. What’s he doing here? No wait. Noisy. Those damned klaxons. We must be home.

“We don’t know sir. He just started getting sick yesterday morning.”

I hear the furious clicking of heels. Aah, the Napoleonic power monger is here. It’s about time.

“What happened?” She demands, pushing aside clothing to poke and prod. Geez doc, don’t I even get a bit of privacy here?

“Vomiting, diarrhea, he sounds like he’s drunk when he tries to talk,” the kids reel off the symptoms like a mobster singing to the cops.

“Colonel. Colonel,” Janet demands, shaking my head. Damn doc, I hear you, easy on the merchandise. I’m attached to my head. “Did you eat the eggs?”

Eggs? What eggs? There are eggs here? Plain ones or the fancy ones for Easter? Can’t be Easter that was months ago.

“Janet?”

“We’ve had a run of botulism. A shipment of contaminated eggs.”

Eggs. I’m sick because of eggs. That’s not fair. I like eggs. Why couldn’t I have gotten sick offa bran muffins?

“You take it easy colonel. We’ll get you some anti-toxin,” I hear the doc reassure. Take it easy, I can do that. I’ll just lie here like a good little colonel and let you have fun.

<><><><><>

I am bored out of my skull. This infirmary sucks. 7.4 billion and they don’t even spring for a TV. I mean for crying out loud I’m sick not dead. I’ve been in prisons that have better entertainment than this place.

Aah, wait I hear the clicking of tiny feet. Either we’ve recruited Bambi or here comes Janet. Time for the 0900 floorshow.

“Colonel. How are we feeling this morning?” she asks cheerfully, sweeping back the curtain. She really needs to get a new routine. She’s asked me the same question every morning for the last five days.

“Peachy doc. just peachy. Never felt better. Bright eyed, bushy tailed and raring to go.”

“Aahah,” she says skeptically. “A remarkable recovery from someone who was as sick as you were a few days ago.” She picks up the chart, reading and scribbling in it. What the hell do nurses write in those things anyway? I ought to look.

“Come on doc. What are my chances of going home?” I beg politely.

“Colonel. If it had taken just twelve more hours to get you back here you’d likely be in the academy hospital on a respirator looking at months, possibly years to recover. This isn’t something to fool around with.” I look at her face. She isn’t exaggerating, much anyway.

“Doc I understand. Really I do. Just…wouldn’t you much rather have me out of your hair? All I’m doing is sleeping and taking up a bed. I can do that at home.” And I have 174 channels, but I’m not going to tell her that.

“Colonel O’Neill,” she says, crossing her arms across her chest. Oh boy. She’s using the long name. Now I’ve done it.

“Jack hi. You up for visitors?”

I look up to see Daniel, Carter and Teal’c peeking around the edge of the curtain. Halleluiah. The calvary is here. “Sure guys, come on in,”

They file past Janet earning an exasperated look or three. Good, if she has to divide her ire between us all the better.

“Well you look better,” Daniel says snagging the chair.

“I’m back to my usual charming self.” I choose to ignore the skeptical looks from Carter and Teal’c.

“Yeah we can see that,” Daniel says.

Ok. Something’s going on. These three have guilt written all over them. “So I sorta zoned out at the end. What happened on the planet?” I ask casually. More guilty looks. Yep, something’s up.

“Everything’s fine. The mission was a success sir,” Carter hurries to say, shooting looks at the other two.

“Indeed O’Neill. We have been granted full mining rights on P3X239.” Aah Teal’c is going along with it. Always knew he was a smart guy.

“Just like that? The folks that only wanted to deal with the boss all of a sudden don’t?”

“Pretty much,” Carter says looking away.

I look at her and Teal’c’s set faces. I’m not going to get anything out of them. Not when they clam up like this. But Daniel…Daniel is a different story.

“So Daniel. What were you saying their culture was like?”

“The Bendi? Well I hate to say it but they’re nothing real unique. I mean they’re far from the first patriarchal culture we’ve run across.”

“Patriarchal?”

“Oh yeah. I mean you saw how they treated Sam. They wouldn’t even give her the time of day until it told them…”

“Daniel,” Carter breaks in urgently. Aah, so here’s the secret.

“Told them what Daniel?”

“Ooh, well…nothing specific and it really doesn’t matter right now.” Daniel’s talking so fast, almost babbling. He keeps shooting glances over at Carter who is blushing this adorable shade of pink. Not that I’ll ever tell her that. I value my life. The major hates to be called adorable.

“I think it does matter. It could be a valuable lesson for the next time I get bad grub. So spill,” I tell them in my best ‘I’m the colonel’ voice.

The trio shares looks then Carter sighs and plops onto an adjacent bed. “Go ahead Daniel. He’s going to find out eventually,” she instructs, rolling her eyes. Oh this is gonna be good.

“Ok. But Jack, I want you to remember it was for the good of the mission,” he warns.

“Daniel if you don’t tell me I’m never going to let you go play with SG-11 again.”

“The Bendi have very strict rules. The eldest male is the boss but if he’s incapacitated then his children are able to speak for him…”

“Children? Oh for cryin out loud. I AM NOT THAT OLD! Jesus, Daniel there’s no way in hell I’m old enough to be your father.”

“Oh we know. And so did they.”

Ok. I’m confused. And it isn’t the drugs. “Well it ain’t Teal’c because he was with…” I shoot a horrified glance over to my second in command who’s sitting on the bed swinging her legs as she stares intently at the floor. “NO. You didn’t…”

“Hi dad,” she says in a tiny voice, giving me a wave.

“NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. For cryin out loud Carter I am NOT old enough to be your father. NO way in hell.”

“Well you weren’t exactly looking your best,” Daniel offers.

“I would have to have been a kid. Jesus Carter you’re old enough…”

“Hey! It was his idea.” She points a finger at Teal’c who’s been standing the corner observing the whole time.

“Teal’c?”

“The only other option would have been for Major Carter to have been your spouse.”

“Well what’s so bad about that…”

“They would have asked for proof.”

“And with all due respect sir, there’s no way in hell. I mean you’re old enough to be my father,” she says seriously before dissolving into a fit of giggles followed quickly by Daniel.

“What’s so funny?”

“I believe the phrase is ‘gotcha’ O’Neill,” Teal’c intones, a totally gloating look on his face.

“Now, now you three. I can hear you all the way out into the hall,” Janet admonishes, striding back into the room. “You wear him out and he’ll have to stay here another day.” I look at the kids, gotta stop calling them that, really I do, as they get to their feet, fleeing from the power that is Janet.

“Actually Jack all it took was transferring the sign of power to Sam. Then they were more than willing to talk to her,” Daniel admits.

“Sign of power?”

Carter reaches into her pocket, pulls something out and tosses it at me. I snag it and know immediately what it is. I was wondering where it’d gotten to.

“You really should toss that thing in the washer every once and a while sir. A few more missions and it’ll get up and walk off on it’s own,” she quips then beats a hasty retreat.

I give it a close look. Yeah, it is a little dirty but…hell it’s my lucky hat. If I wash it the luck might go away.

I put it on, pulling the brim low over my eyes. Maybe now I can get some sleep

**~Fin~**

  


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> For Bev, if she hadn’t have asked for this none of it would have happened. And all the folks in the HC chatroom who prodded this little plot bunny into fruition. sorry i couldn't get him as sick as you wanted, guess I'm a wimp at heart.

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> October 21, 2001 Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

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